Bunga Seperempat Abad

Pagi ini aku terbangun selayaknya hari senin atau rabu
Melintas dalam pikiranku apa yang telah terjadi dalam kurun waktu 25 tahun, apakah aku benar-benar menjalani hari
To seize the day, carpe diem
Berada pada satu waktu masa ini,
menikmati segala seluk beluk rasa yang saling bertumbuh, bertabrakan, dan bereaksi satu sama lain
memberikan segala daya dan upaya terbaik saat ini

Terpekur aku di atas kasur, nosi berdamai dengan hati yang mengombang-ambingkan nalar merambat ke kesadaranku
Apakah aku sudah berdamai dengan hati?
Memadamkan segala ingin untuk tidak bersyukur
Meredam kegelisahan apa apa saja yang seharusnya sudah dicoret dari daftar panjang keinginan
Menimbang-nimbang kembali apa yang ingin aku lakukan, berlalu di gerbong kereta ekonomi Jakarta – Surabaya, menulis surat kepada kawan lama, menyusuri Kalimalang yang berwarna cokelat airnya untuk tau apa-apa saja yang dilewatinya

Mengenal diri sebagai sosok yang tak pernah alpa memvalidasi keberadaan diri sendiri, apakah aku mampu berdamai dengan kesendirian? Dengan kehampaan dari luar diri sendiri?
Sanggupkah aku memenuhi keutuhan diri dari hal remeh temeh yang menjadi pasir dan bata menyusun pondasi kehidupan.
Mengasihi, memberi sepenuh hati tanpa berharap timbalan yang mendekorasi warna pada jendela dan pintu
Selamat ulang tahun dan semoga segala gundah gulana menjadi pacu untuk terus bergerak, terus berkembang dan mewangi

Conundrum of quarter century

The blazing sun outside doesn’t quite portray wet and rainy season of December. This month, another solar cycle is nearly passed and here I am again, when the favorite season of the year is just around the corner. Festive of signing to new age, entering the magical theater of Christmas, and having sparkling new year. This is the ritual which I deeply enjoy, the retrospective contemplation to keep me grounded for the big picture for what I have learnt and what kind of person I have become in a span of dozen months.

Indeed 365 days is a lengthy time to meet new people, going to many new places, developing new understanding of our understanding, exposed with a lot of perception which can support or conflict our personal belief and values, or maybe to finally found our anchor of who we really are.

  1. Be brave
    Fortune favors the brave – audentes fortuna iuvat. 
    I am aware that I am not kind of person who has enough courage to do something which I truly like or to honestly speak up my mind. Sometimes, I do wonder what did I do to deserve all of these.. to be what I am today. Often I told myself it is merely a coincidence for being one in a certain time and in certain place. I am blessed to have environment that supports me. I am making plan, making decision of what my grand picture should be like, creating the meaning which resonates with the rhythm of my heartbeat, for the pace and the time.

    The thing about having melancholic soul is the cons will always emerge at the very first place and now it is my job to be more focus on the brighter side, not forget to mention that I should be sticking out with every details on the plans. Sure, there will be lost, but at least keeping up the rest instead losing everything at all.

    I will never get tired to remind myself to be brave, to take more risk, to take decision, to be conscious and humble at the same time.

  2. Loving
    It requires a magnitude quake to wake awareness and I realized I was a self-absorbed person. It was like seeing with my glass off to understand people outside me, myself, and I. I learned hard way how to genuinely love and to care ones, which eventually is better coined as to give instead of to love.
    My understanding on love has been greatly affected from what I consumed – blame brain picking and Allain de Botton. To give: my attention, my affection, my willingness to understand although sometimes it does not make sense, my time, my energy, my thought, or anything which I can share and give some little positive impact to my surrounding. And the spectrum of loved ones is so varies, from the inner circle of family (first thing first aye), a dear boyfriend, friends whom I spent most of the time, co-workers at work, old friends from college and high school, neighbor, or even stranger we pass on the road.

    Because to love is to genuinely to give and to be kind.
    Always be kind

  3. Finding my anchor
    Getting know oneself is harder than getting know somebody else, the bias, the emotions, and the feeling oftentimes get in the way to disturb the journey of finding ourselves objectively. I had a heated arguments with Ahmed – my boyfriend, about finding who we are.

    I only think the idealism of how myself should be instead of living it in, more or less only the grand gesture of my values. Ahmed is a real example who is restlessly reminding me (and having tons of argument) the important of knowing myself, so nothing (except what we truly believe in) could interfere or shake our ground. He amazes me with his courage, like I literally never met anyone as courageous as him, especially when it comes difficulties, hardship, and unpleasant situation which happens very often, he always get things done – in a good manner. (Couldn’t I be more in love with him, huh?)

    The perks of having an (ultra) detail-oriented person as loved one, he somehow keeps me grounded with the priorities I should have been making.
    To live a life, a well meaning life we created.

  4. Grateful
    There’s nothing more powerful than humbling myself before Allah, looking at everyday scenes for reminding myself that I am way much more fortuned than I thought I wasn’t. I used to mainly focus on aiming and finishing my target as fast as I can, I savor the triumph of getting things done before its due – although sometimes I could be entirely acting the other way around. And now, I’d like to savor the process, to indulge myself in creating something, feeling the moment and capturing the scenery of everyday thoughts, interactions, and my actions.

    It’s a brick by brick that build a house.

    May 2018 is filled with joy, courage, and wisdom

    XO,
    Puspa

Dari Rumi

Alam bermain teka-teki dalam diam
Mengajak serta dalam lomba mengejar kehidupan
Mengajarkan bagaimana membaca peta mengenai kemana kemudi harus diarahkan dan kapan layar harus dibentangkan
Satu hal yang pasti, bulatnya bumi menjadikan perjalanan tanpa panduan adalah permainan tanpa garis akhir

Matahari dan ketulusannya yang melakukan reaksi fusi tanpa batas
Malam dan kepekatannya yang menutupi buruk rupa masa lalu
Sungai dan konsistensinya yang memberi nafas pada apapun yang dilaluinya
Kematian dan kesenyapannya yang memadamkan amarah
Bumi dan kesederhanaannya yang mau memberi segala-galanya dan menerima apapun yang kembali padanya

Tak perlu tanda tanya diantaranya, karena kesemuanya begitu jelas

Bintang

Pada gemintang kugantungkan impianku jauh-jauh di langit yang bahkan tak bisa kugapai dengan tangga bambu

Kubiarkan cemerlang menemani saat hariku gelap, kujadikannya petunjuk arah yang seirama dengan kompas perjalananku

Langit malam menjadikannya keagungan rupawan nan elok yang menjulurkan tangan menarikkku untuk menempuh dimensi waktu

Ia, yang kutitipkan pada bintang malam kelak akan membawaku bereaksi fusi tanpa batas

Kukatakan pada angin, gemuruh, dan badai, “biar kalian mengamuk, benderangku tak akan pernah surut, ia mahligai terindahku yang kutuju dalam menyelami palung terdalam dan gunung tertinggi di fana ini.”

17; January week

Dia pekat dan dia lekat

Menjalar dalam ranum batang kehidupan

Kegilaan ini adalah hal konyol yang datang dengan mudah karena kamu membiarkannya masuk

Meracap dan menancap

Kata-katanya silih berganti dalam bingkai semesta pemikiranmu

Membolak-balik dan menghuyung-huyungkan pendirianmu yang ingin lari kocar-kacir dari tempurung

Dan di satu saat kamu berhenti

Entah satu hari lagi atau seribu tahun lagi

Saat nadi pusara ambisi diam tak mengejar

Saat menerima seutuhnya diterima

Katamu, everyone run on their pace

Mayflies

 

There is something beautiful to find pieces of happiness in the broken glass

To listen new  Ben’s Mayflies song during tough day at work

And to unwind the day by seeing kiss emoticon you sent me

 

I always wonder what did your parents do to raise such a wonderful son like you

For someone who possess the ability to bloom my heart at the fullest

For someone who finds me when I was invisible with such humility and sincerity

October

The rain comes, the rain goes

It comes with the thunder tearing down the walls I have slowly built to protect myself

It comes with the pounding sound like barn and pestle in the morning waking up the pecking chicken sounding the past voice

It rains down the leaves, the branches, and the ground with drops that melt the dust

It goes away with the sweet fragrant that fades after the heat evaporates the volatile

It goes along with the gravity of earth, sinking deep into the center or swims along with the water flow to the downstream

Returning himself to the great ocean then to rejoin the cloud that makes beginning


Hujan datang hujan pergi

Ia tiba dengan gemuruh yang meruntuhkan dinding penjaga selama ini kubangun perlahan

Ia sampai dengan gemericik yang bertalu-talu seperti lumbung dan alu di pagi hari, membangunkan ayam-ayam berkokok menyuarakan residu masa lalu

Ia membasahi daun, ranting, dan tanah dengan butir-butir untuk meluruhkan debu

Ia pergi dengan semerbak wewangian yang tak kunjung pudar sampai panas menguapkan senyawa volatil

Ia pergi mengikuti grafitasi yang selalu ada untuk masuk ke bumi atau berenang bersama aliran mata air sampai ke hilir

Kembali ke samudera luas untuk kembali bersama awan yang menjadikannya muasal